Seasonal Misgivings

Posted by Me Wed, 30 Nov 2005 23:05:00 GMT

With the holidays right around the corner, I have to admit I am feeling kind of like the Grinch this year. There are no X-mas decorations anywhere in the house (inside or out).

We bought a beautiful X-mas Tree last year and it is still sitting in its box in the garage. I have no idea when I’ll put it up. Part of the problem, I am just not in the holiday spirit. I really thought I’d be pregnant by this X-mas. I had this pathetic vision of myself glowing, patting my belly, with a grin from ear to ear since the IVF worked and I’d be with child this X-mas. No such luck. The only reason I am patting my belly these days is to be cognizant of the extra pounds I gained from all the Fertility Drugs. Lovely. Nothing says “Happy Holidays” like another pair of jeans that don’t fit anymore. Ulgh!

Honestly, I am just hoping to survive the holidays this year. I have no gung-ho-mistletoe-hanging-spirit in me this year. I am not pregnant. I am infertile and next year I’ll be starting it off with another intense IVF cycle. The thought makes me cringe. To top it off, I just found out an ex-coworker of mine is pregnant. She just got married last year. I am happy for her, but it makes me sad. Mad. I am SMAD! Why her? Not me? It was supposed to be me.

Wow, this entry it turning out to be a lot more negative than I originally intended it to be, but I guess you don’t always know where your words lead you? I am better than I was since the failed IVF attempt, but I guess still have occasional relapses. The impending holidays don’t make any of it easier. Actually, it is harder—all the family gatherings…all the happy children…all the questions about me and my infertility. I just want to crawl into a cave and come out when it is all over. That’s wrong, huh? I know it is. I have to buck up and face the music. It just sucks sometime how much of my life is ruled by infertility and now that my in-laws know about our plight I feel like it is all that I have become. I spent this Thanksgiving talking about my “issues”. I felt exhausted after the event. Sad in some ways. It’s exhausting talking about infertility and they are not the audience to which I can use my sarcastic humor. My MIL thanked me for sharing since this is clearly the biggest thing going on in my life. Yes, it is and God do I hate that it is. I don’t want this to be my “thing”. My hobby. My focus. It’s a horrible thing to be dealing with.

My LOML asked me what I wanted for X-mas and I told him nothing since I feel so incredibly guilty for the $15,000 IVF Cycle in Jan/Feb of next year. I am already costing us so much. I know it isn’t a present for me since honestly it’ll be a pain, but for me to have the ultimate gift it is one of my only shots. This December is just another month. I will sign and send my X-mas Cards, wishing once again so dearly that I could send one of those Photo Cards displaying my happy brood…but I am not there yet. I didn’t get to be that lucky.

I know holidays are supposed to be happy, but I am not sure how I can get into the spirit. I am a Grinch. Instead I am working on some stuff, avoiding anything holiday related, and listening to James Blunt’s tunes.

Pass me the Peppermint Mocha, please!