Back From LA and Freaked About Tomorrow

Posted by Me Mon, 22 May 2006 03:08:00 GMT

So we are back from out mini-trip to LA. It was a whole lot of fun. :) It was so great to see my friend and attend her party. The sitcom is wonderful. So funny. Go check it out tomorrow on Nontourage. It is really great.

The party was awesome and I am just really glad I was able to attend and watch my best friend of 16 years go after her dream. :) I am so proud of her!

Overall, the weekened was fun. LOML and I got to spend a lot of time with her folks and meet all of her friends. I wish we lived closer so we could do this more often. The weather was a little yucky – warm but rather overcast. Our hotel was really lovely and LA is a fun town. Not sure I could live there, but it’s fun to visit.

I wish I could say that the trip was able to completely distract from tomorrow’s impending test. It sort of did, but then not really. The meds got the better of me. I had a mini-breakdown Friday morning where I just dissolved into tears and so afraid that we’ll get another negative tomorrow. LOML tried to calm me down as best as he could. As usual, I feel nothing. Well, not exactly nothing. I have had some “period” cramps that freak me out today and a few days ago. I even had a horrible dream one of the nights in LA where I dreamt that I got my period early and tried to call Dr. BT to see what’s going on. At first, I couldn’t get a hold of him but then he called me back and confirmed my fears. He followed it up by telling me “I told you so!” :( The dream upset me so much since it felt so freakin’ real. I know I don’t know anything and I wish the meds would make me more positive rather than so freakin’ negative and depressed. I am sooooooooo nervous about tomorrow. I am scared. I am scared to hear the bad words. I don’t want to think negatively but am afraid to be overly positive. Does that make sense? I am super-nervous cuz I find out the results a day before I turn the big 3-0! I mean it would be a tough b-day as it is, but coming at the heels of potentially bad news I am a little out-of-sorts!

Damn it! I thought I’d be ok this time. I thought I’d keep my cool. I thought I’d feel more positive, but as with the others I am scared. I want this to work. I want these embies to be my babies. I want to move on to the next stage. I want there to be a happy ending. However, I am realistic. I know my life isn’t a movie or TV show. Life doesn’t always work out how you want to. It’s messy. It’s unfair and I know that. Things can go well tomorrow but they can go very badly and I have to deal either way, right? I know I can’t change anything at this point. These last few hours – even the past few days in LA – mean nothing. The results have already been determined. Either my little would-be babies are there or they aren’t. God, I hope so much they are but pray that I have to strength to endure the bad news if they aren’t.

Ulllghhh – this sucks! I am trying not to analyze myself, but I do anyways. I am crampy on and off – and not the pulling/tugging sensation but the “period” kind. The ones that hurt like a bitch. My boobs aren’t as big as they were last time or as sore. They are sore but not as crazy sore as they were the last time. I know all this means potentially nothing – but anyone who is infertile knows how hard it is not to look for signs. To figure things out. To not be blind-sighted. To somehow control things – conduct some damage control before the flood gates opens.

It’s just all so weird. I start this cycle impatient to move from one step to the next. The pregnancy test being the ultimate culmination of this journey. However, now that it is upon me, I am dreading it. I am dreading knowing. Finding out. If I could be guaranteed good news, it’d be one thing, but I know the odds. I know what can happen so I know that “knowing” could be end IVF #3.

9 days ago when Dr. BT announced that the transfer was complete – pointing enthusiastically to the U/S screen letting us know where the “gorgeous” embies were deposited – all I could think of now I have “fric n frac” in me. I know ridiculous names, but at the moment that’s what came to me. I couldn’t think of any other cool two combo names. I am a weird chickie! But anyways, I pray, hope, beg that fric n’ frac (despite the ridiculous transition name) are alive and kickin’. I sincerely hope that they decided to stick around (literally) and become our “kids”. I know I can’t will this to happen. I know I can’t control shit, but that doesn’t keep me from trying.

Overall, the trip helped to keep my neurosis at bay. The last few days were tougher since I started to feel the build-up of the meds and they usually make me more psycho than I might otherwise be. I started to blame myself for not going through this cycle perfecty. We skipped a blood test. I took it “bed rest” easy one more day than Dr. BT said. I traveled (rode in a bumpy car). Slept on my side more than I did last time (during bed rest days – Dr. BT said it was ok, but I still worry). Took off my “fertility” necklace earlier than I did last time since it didn’t go with my party outfit. I didn’t consume as much water as I usually do. I walked a ton more than I did during any other cycle. No crazy power walks…more of the strolling/sauntering kind, but still. I got the shots in crazy locations (other peoples’ bathrooms). LOML even had to stick me twice one night since the first time initially drew blood which meant he had to do it again. Also, the first Prog Injection hit a nerve and hence numbed part of my left area. It’s really bizarre. Well, it feels odd. I poke it and it feels like there is some topical anesthetic over the area. Also, though I didn’t skip any dosages, there a few times I was late in taking them. :( Overall, I just feel so many things didn’t go right this cycle. So many things were done less than perfectly. I even had more decaf coffee than I did in the last cycles where I abstained completely. This time I had some decaf coffees and for some reason I am feeling worried.

I know I know – I should have known better and if I worried I shouldn’t have been so lax, but I don’t know. I just did things and am second-guessing myself. I afraid all of the mishaps or less focused approach this time around is going to result in some less than stellar news tomorrow. I am freaked. I admit it. I am irrationally freaked. I can’t help it.

If this doesn’t work, I am not sure where we are going to go from here. We’ll try again most likely but when I am not sure. I want some good news. I need some good news. I need to know there is hope. I need to know that I can and will become a mother someday – and hopefully using my own eggs and LOML’s sperm.

I have dumped enough. I am nervous. When I am nervous, I babble. I irrationally and incessantly babble. I will stop now. Tomorrow will happen and there is nothing I can do. We pray, beg, hope that the news will be good. That I get another go at this. Please keep us in your thoughts. I am trying sincerely to push my insecure thoughts out of my mind. I keep telling myself that there are no such things as signs. That cramping or non-cramping is ok and doesn’t leave me out for the count. My non-super sore boobs aren’t a tell-tale sign and nothing I didn’t do or did do in this cycle will be the cause of what may be revealed tomorrow.

Ullgh, I hope I sleep tonight. I hope I don’t have any more bad dreams. My work day will be insane tomorrow since I am coming off a few days of vacation so that won’t really help. I mean theoretically it should be good to be that distracted, but honestly waiting for the results will be more distracting and agonizing!

BLAH! MUST. CALM. DOWN and hope for the best, right??? Right. Right. If I repeat that to myself a few hundred times, I might actually believe it. :)