Still Here

Posted by Me Wed, 28 Jun 2006 00:28:37 GMT

I am still here. Alive. And seemingly still pregnant. These last few days have been a bit rough. The m/s seems to have kicked up a bit. Yesterday was particularly rough. I really couldn’t keep anything down. Today I have been nibbling and eating nonstop and avoiding food smells which seems to alert the gag reflex (sorry tmi). The only meals I seem to be ok with is eggs, bacon, and toast with a little bit of margerine. Breakfast goes off ok but the day gets more fragile as it continues on. Today’s lunch consisted of a soft pretzel, pickle, and bacon. Breakfast and dinner were scrambled eggs and toast. In between, I am munching on almonds and crackers and watermelon. Watermelon is good. I only had one rough moment right before lunch while I was trying to take care of dirty dishes. So now, LOML has been the designated dealer of foods and dirty dishes since they affect me so…and not in a good way.

In any case, I had a blood test today. It freaked me out a bit when the phone rang since the caller ID said “Private Call Number” and well that’s what it said when I got the bad call from Dr. BT last time. Actually, it always says that when I get a call from Dr. BT instead of the Nurse, but luckily it was the Nurse to give me my new meds instructions. I am to stop my Estrogen Patches tomorrow as well as reduce my Progesterone Suppositories to only once a day instead of twice a day. I keep all of my pills the same. I go back on Friday for another blood test and (potentially) my last Ultrasound with Dr. BT. I guess the weaning off the meds has begun. I am a little nervous about it, but I guess since he is re-checking me in 2 days I should be ok. Fingers Crossed!!!

This week is a bit nerve-racking. I mean with Friday’s appointment. Work going a bit crazy. My stomach being wobbly off and on since last week it’s all a bit much. I have to remember though that if all this means Baby G is hanging in there then so be it. I’ll take the icky feelings. I’ll take the puking. I just want this baby to stick. I pray it’s holding on and we get good news on Friday. I would like nothing more than to graduate from Dr. BT’s office. I mean I already feel like I have been “held back” a few times. It’s like each IVF Cycle is a class and I go through it – do all the homework etc – come to final exams I either barely pass or make it through only to find out at “graduation” that I am short a few credits and have to repeat a class. I don’t recognize anyone in the waiting room anymore. I am not sure if everyone passed or just gave up, but it’s tough. I have become known in the office and though there is some comfort in that – there is also some sadness. I don’t want to be “held back”. I want to graduate. I want to be on a new path. It’s scary, I’ll admit but I’ll take that over staying in my comfort zone.

I read somewhere once that courage is not the absence of fear or the opposite of it. Instead, it is moving forward in spite of being afraid. I am scared of what is to come but I guess I am looking at the ultimate goal and working my way through the potentials – the fear of disappointment – hoping I’ll get to the “goal”. I don’t know. I try to take it one day at a time. I made it through the blood test. Next up is the ultrasound. I hope it all goes well. I’ll be supernervous Thursday evening/Friday morning. I can’t even think about what might happen after the appointment – say moving on to a regular OB/GYN…leaving my comfort zone of the IVF World wherever everyone knows me and with whom I have spent more time in the last year than my own family. I can’t think about that yet. Too many “What if’s?” We’re at one day at a time stage. So with that in mind – one day down – 3 more to go. :) For now, I guess I am still pregnant.