Posted by Me
Mon, 29 May 2006 16:47:00 GMT
Happy Memorial Day! My Monday started off a bit rough. First, I dropped my box of Progesterone Suppositories and am a little hesitant to use them since the all fell to the floor and well those are the ones I have to insert vaginally. I have another box of them so I’ll be using those for now just to be safe. It upset me so much (irrationally so!) that I dropped them. It was soooooo stupid and so clumsy. I don’t know I feel like I am in a funk. I am having a hard time “relaxing” – feeling at peace. How do you relax when you just had a miscarriage? I mean I know that so far so good and it’s a different cycle, but how do I still my fears that “it” could happen again? That I go in for a routine blood test and get the bad call that my perfect embryo “quit”? My “gorgeous embryo” didn’t succumb to some chromosomal issue again? Stopped growing? I know (and trust me I am trying) to enjoy my current state of pregnancy, but how do you keep from worrying? I am a week away until my next blood test (2 weeks away from the u/s at which point we may see a heartbeat) and though I am consoled that my progesterone levels are higher since I am back on oil, but still. Since it is so early in the process, naturally, I feel nothing that gives me the assurance that everything is ok in there. I know I have to have faith. Believe. I am having a day. It didn’t start off right. Baby G is being awfully quiet and I can’t help but worry. I know there is nothing I can do but stay calm and hope for the best.
I am a worry-wart, which doesn’t help. I am writing this morning to release some of that nervous energy since I know I have to get rational about all this. I have to get out of the funk or else drive myself nuts until Friday which is not a good option since I have way too much work as it is. Work isn’t keeping me distracted. It is there – it needs to be dealt with but I do get preoccupied with what’s happening below my belly button. :) I know all I can do is think good thoughts, pray, and hope for the best and honestly most of the time it’s working, but for some reason today I feel out of sorts. Funky. Extremely insecure. This morning’s mishap didn’t help to make me feel more confident.
Thanks for all the congratulations, best wishes and advice. They are much appreciated. I am so new at this and at times feel so extremely handicapped.
Thanks also for letting me vent and ramble and sound completely nuts. I know I can be so “whiney” and “insecure”, but with my history it is hard to just relax and relish in my current state. Will there ever be a moment where I can just relax and enjoy it all? How do all you ladies who have had a miscarriage cope? I know what I need to do, but have a little trouble with the execution. I don’t know I am in a funk today – just feels like an off day and feel more insecure than usual. The crazy amounts of hormones I am on are probably partly to blame. I am just afraid that “it” will happen again and though I know I can’t think like that – days like today make it hard.
Ok, I have released my fears and will try my best to turn my mindset around today and “enjoy” in my pregnancy and the potential of Baby G. Positive thinking is the key and I know I have no reason to believe otherwise that all will go well. All righty, I have to still my fears and hang on to faith and believe. Believe that Baby G is meant to be! Worrying about what might be. What might happen due to past experiences is not logical or practical. The future will happen no matter what and I can’t prepare myself for it. I might think I can, but I can’t. Let’s face it. I can’t look for signs. I can’t get the reassurance I want – not now. I have to have faith which hasn’t always been easy for me, but for Baby G’s and my sanity I have to. I have to!
I have rambled enough and will get some work done (yeah, trying to catch up a little before the onslaught of next week’s activities!). No worries, I’ll try to drag out LOML for a little fun later today. :) Thanks again for listening. :)
Posted in Hello, my name is Infertile, Dr. Bow Tie | 1 comment | no trackbacks
Posted by Me
Fri, 26 May 2006 23:33:00 GMT
That’s where I am. Today I am 4 weeks and 5 days along. So early in the whole process, huh? In any case, we did have our ultrasound and blood test today. Dr. BT was running behind so we sat around for quite awhile which certainly didn’t help my nerves. In any case, eventually we were led into a room and had our ultrasound.
We were able to see the sac and the yolk on the screen. Yes, ladies & gentlemen, it seems like we’ve got a singleton! No twins! I am totally ok with that as long as this little bean stays strong and sticks around. According to Dr. BT, it’s a good prognosis that there already is a yolk visible at 4 weeks. So, yay! :) As he put it, so far so good!
I go back for another blood test in a week (6/2) and then have my ultrasound in 2 weeks (6/9) where we hope to see a heartbeat. Yowzers! I hope we get there!!! We never made it to that stage last time. I really really want/need to make it to that stage this time. :)
I got a little scare later in the afternoon when I got my blood test results. My hCg looked good at 3,087 which is a nice increase from 1,205 two days ago. However, my Progesterone number made my heart sink – it went from 49 to 23. It dropped since I stopped the PIO shots. See, it wouldn’t be such a big deal if those weren’t the exact same numbers as last cycle. Last cycle, Dr. BT changed my meds around. Took me off PIO shots and my Progesterone levels went down to 23. He said it was fine. They usually want it around 15 or higher. Ok, fine – but then it went from 23 down to 16 in another 2 days. We had our u/s saw the sac and yolk…thought all was ok, but then got the call from Dr. BT that the levels dropped and I am about to miscarry. See – bad association with low numbers. I know the progesterone levels may not have caused the miscarriage but Dr. BT can’t say with all certainty that it didn’t either. So, given the sudden drop I talked with a Nurse who gave me the whole spiel that they have pregnancies be successful with levels as low as 9. I get that. I know what they are saying, but I am not normal. Average practices haven’t worked for me. I mean I am doing IVF cuz my body doesn’t create the right hormones at the right time. I mean why would you assume it would suddenly kick into gear now? So, anyways, I voiced my concerns and told her it made me even more nervous since I wasn’t scheduled for another blood test until next Friday. A whole week. I didn’t want that call to be a bad one again so I told her my concerns. She sympathized and got me on the line with Dr. BT. He told me the same thing the Nurse did. I told him I got that but am still worried. I want to keep this baby. I don’t want there to be the “what if’s?”. I mean he even told me that lower progesterone numbers could cause uterine instability which could cause miscarriages or the degradation of embryonic development. He also added he wasn’t certain if that is what happened to me! Well, WTF! If he isn’t sure but is aware of it, then why not keep my levels higher to at least rule that scenario out this time, ya’ know? Well, after giving all his reasons, he understood my concerns and said I could get back on the oil but need to realize that the reason he gets people off it so quickly is that he is afraid of allergic reactions. I know they can happen and hope to God that it won’t happen to me, but for the piece of mind I asked to be put back on the oil until next Friday’s blood test and we’ll re-evaluate then.
I just don’t want another repeat from last cycle. I don’t want to have to loose another one and have to start from scratch. I want to progress. I want to get passed my first trimester if the shots can help then so be it. I know a lot of other doctors on the IVF boards have their patients on higher levels of progesterone until the 8th or 12th week to make sure that their risk of miscarriage is reduced.
So, there ya’ go. We are going back on the shots for the time-being. Praying that I won’t get an allergic reaction. Praying that this embryo continues to grow and develop appropriately.
I might be paranoid. I might be overreacting, but I can’t help it. When you see things drop so drastically like they did last time, you can’t help but react. It’s a gut reaction. I want to make sure we don’t make the same mistakes. I want to give ourselves the best shot possible. I want this baby! I want to stay pregnant. I mean Dr. BT got me pregnant – he now needs to help me stay pregnant. Clearly, I am not normal and can’t trust my body to do all of it on its own especially right now when Dr. BT controls everything with meds…aka he controls my levels through meds since my ovaries were shut down and I don’t create anything on my own. Once the placenta forms and takes over – I am still at the mercy of medication.
So, we’ll see how it goes. Clearly, we are not out of the woods yet. We are passed another step – saw the sac. Saw the yolk. Need to make it to a few more.
On a related note, since I am 4w5d today – my estimated due date would be January 28, 2007. I’ve got my fingers and toes crossed that we make to that one! :)
Posted in Hello, my name is Infertile, Dr. Bow Tie | 4 comments | no trackbacks
Posted by Me
Fri, 26 May 2006 03:36:00 GMT
So for now it seems we are still on for our Ultrasound & Blood Test. I haven’t gotten a call telling me otherwise. 9am tomorrow morning.
I hope all goes well and everything checks out ok. I have been having slight cramps on an off. They are all over the place and sometimes get a little stronger but then go away. I hope this is the “normal” cramping I hear pregnant women talk about.
I started on the Vaginal Progesterone Suppositories today and keeping my fingers crossed that my Prog Levels don’t drop too much. Occasionally, I have experienced some lightheadedness and tiredness, but I think that’s just from all the meds I am on.
I’ll keep this short and sweet. Hope to have some good news to report tomorrow. I hope everything looks as it should. Ya’ know – visible sac and yolk and all located in the uterus where it should be. :) I am a little nervous cuz we were here the last time and then my levels dropped. I certainly hope it won’t happen again. I don’t want that bad call from Dr. BT this time! Come on embies keep growing. Snuggle in for the long haul!
Ok, I am getting tired. Think good thoughts for us please!!! :)
Posted in Hello, my name is Infertile, Dr. Bow Tie | 1 comment | no trackbacks
Posted by Me
Thu, 25 May 2006 02:33:00 GMT
Well, I had my second beta today. We’re still in the game. :) Beta # came in at 1,205. Doubling at a rate of 47 hours so I am still pregnant! Woooohoooo!!!! I am tentatively scheduled for another blood test and ultrasound on Friday at 9am. It’s tentative cuz the Dr’s Office needs Pre-Auth from my health insurance and they may not get that before Friday. Damn, I hope they can get it and I can keep my appointment. I really want that ultrasound to make sure everything looks ok. Everything is progressing. See that this is for real. :)
What has me slightly worried though (cuz there is always something ;)) is that Dr. BT is switching my meds around. I have been on 1cc of Progesterone Oil thus far in addition to Progesterone Pills & Estrogen Pills and Patches. Well, he now has me stopping the injections and switching over to 1 Vaginal Progesterone Suppository twice a day (morning and evening) and everything else the same. I hope that’s ok. I don’t want to end up with low Progesterone again like last time. I think the injections are supposed to work better though they are more of a pain – literally and figuratively. I know I have to trust Dr. BT to know what he is doing, but I really want to make sure we keep this one! I want this pregnancy to make it. :) So we’ll see.
The reason I am a little anxious is that since I didn’t naturally conceive Dr. BT controls my Estrogen and Progesterone levels. During the FET Cycle, he shuts down my ovaries and hence I am not creating my own Progesterone and Estrogen. I get those hormones through the supplements prescribed by the Dr. The supplements will stop once I have a placenta and it takes over to create the hormones necessary to sustain the pregnancy. So I don’t know last time Dr. BT let my progesterone levels get down quite a bit. I just hope he won’t do that again. I want this one to stick. :)
Anyways, I am just being nutty. Don’t mind me. :) Hopefully, Friday happens and we get some good news. For today, I am grateful that my numbers are continuing to go up. I won’t feel comfortable until we get further along – at least to the heart beat stage. BUT – I am doing my best to enjoy my pregnancy and hope for the best. You just get so nervous when you have a miscarriage under your belt. I just don’t want my numbers to suddenly drop.
Thanks for all the doubling vibes. Keep the good thoughts coming!!! They seem to work. :) We’ll need some more good news this Friday provided we have the appointment!!!
Posted in Hello, my name is Infertile, Dr. Bow Tie | 2 comments | no trackbacks
Posted by Me
Tue, 23 May 2006 23:05:00 GMT
I am 30 today! 30!!!!! It’s weird. It’s weird to wake up and suddenly have my twenties behind me. I mean I am ok with it, but it’s all just a bit odd. I mean so much happened in my twenties and to suddenly have left them and moved onto the thirtysomething age group takes some getting used to. :)
I am glad that I got some good news yesterday. I mean we are not out of the woods yet (not by a long shot), but at least for today, my birthday, all I know is I am pregnant. I pray that I remain that way – only time will tell, but I didn’t want to have another tear-streaked birthday. My 29th birthday was rough last year and I was dreading having another repeat this year.
No, my birthday is lovely thus far. LOML got me some cute dangly earrings. I got lovely birthday greetings throughout the day and will have a nice dinner out tonight with LOML.
The only drag of the day is that I have to work on the most annoying and boring project. I feel like I am making no headway and whoever is heading up the project is not giving me all the information so I feel like I am not “getting it!”. I hate that feeling. To top it off, the meds are making me tired and naturally I am a little nervous about tomorrow’s blood test. I want this pregnancy to be it. I want everything to be ok, but with my history I know I am not like “normal” pregnancy ladies out there. I know not to get overly excited. Start planning the nursery. Compile names or shout it off the roof tops that I got a bun (or two) in the oven. I know that things can go wrong. Terribly wrong. I am not focusing on it, but I am a bit nervous about it. I want to be able to breathe easy and believe that this is our kid. That this is our baby, but we need to get further along in the process and make it past a few more critical steps before I can rest a little easier. I have been here before. I need to make it to the heartbeat stage, past the first trimester, to ultimately holding my baby (or babies) in my arms. We’ve got a long away to go.
It sucks a little to not be able to be overly excited. I am cautious and I am nervous. However, I know it is a normal feeling for anyone who had some issues getting pregnant or keeping one so I know I am not alone.
Thanks for the lovely well wishes and congratulations! Congrats, Bekah to your news. What amazing news! :) Please keep me posted on your progress! I pray that you have a healthy & happy 9 months ahead of you.
I am going to try to stay a bit distracted and live in the moment. I am very nervous about tomorrow’s blood test. I hope the numbers go up. Doubling! Please double! It is hard not to focus on what could go wrong, but I am certainly trying my hardest. Thanks to all for your continuous support. It is appreciated beyond belief! Ok, back to the grind! Hopefully, I have some good news to report tomorrow. That’s my only birthday wish! My one and only! I sure it comes true! Keeping my fingers crossed.
Posted in Hello, my name is Infertile, Dr. Bow Tie, Relating | 2 comments | no trackbacks
