Back On My Feet Again!

Posted by Me Thu, 09 Mar 2006 15:19:00 GMT

Well, the 3 days of bedrest are behind me and I am once again seated at my desk in the office. Got my ass-packs on to keep the soreness from today’s shot to a minimum and about to take my first Prog Pill of the day. I already had my blood drawn today at the Doctor’s Office and also had my first Estrogen Pills of the day. All in all it’s been a productive morning and it isn’t even 7:30am yet.

I am doing ok so far. LOML and I are back to normal. It’s the hormones. I know it. He knows it. They suck but if they can help get us pregnant than we’ll be more than happy to deal. Things are still pretty quiet down there. Once in a while I find myself rubbing my abdomen where I think “they” would be and ask how they are doing? I am not complaining that they aren’t letting themselves known. With my last IVF, I had so many bad cramps from transfer on that progressed to early spotting that eventually turned into full-blown period before I even had a chance to get my pregnancy test done. So, yeah, quiet is good! I’ll take quiet. I am sure the “neurotic” part of me can get freaked out in all sorts of ways, but I am trying to restrain myself. They are still there. Getting comfy. Nestling into the “fluffy” lining Dr. BT helped create. I have to keep saying that so as to not give the negative/neurotic part of my hormone-induced persona any play.

I know all cycles are different. I talked to my best friend the other day - okay, I was venting about LOML’s misstep, but anyways, details, details! I was telling her of my “fears”. Unfounded fears but still stuff I had on my mind. Being a woman, she understood what I was seeking. Re-assurance! She told me she understood my fears. My sometimes disbelief in how this all will turn out differently. My hesitation to let myself believe since I have been so horribly disappointed before. However, she also did say that just cuz it never happened before doesn’t mean it won’t. Each cycle is different. Pregnant women tell me each pregnancy is different. This cycle as it is is very different from my last one. 23 follicles versus 6. 15 eggs retrieved versus 3. 11 fertilized versus 3. 7 Explanded Blastocysts versus 2 – 8 cell embies. 7 to freeze versus 0. 2 Expanded Blastocyst transferred versus 2 Morula transferred. Yes, I see the differences. Clearly, as Dr. BT kept on saying this cycle is night and day from the other. I am a different person. And though I see it, I can’t help but wonder if it’ll be enough. In my heart of hearts, I believe we have a chance. I know there are always risks and unexplainable things. I mean lots of IVF-bound women have what some would consider the “perfect” cycle and still not conceive. So I suppose there is always a chance. I know I can’t focus on that remote possibility. I have to believe this one worked. I am not exuberantly confident, but trying to be cautiously optimistic. :) I take my meds when I am supposed to. Go in for my pre-set blood tests and wait! Patience! Take things each step at a time. Be grateful we are where we are. Take advantage of this chance we have been given. We all have a choice. A choice to choose to be afraid and let it wash all over you or you can allow yourself to just forge ahead. Confident in the fact that you have done all that you could do - at least for this round. We’ve made it farther than I thought we could. I can’t compare my last cycle to this. They aren’t the same. I may get good news next week or I may not. Only time will tell. Either way I will have to deal with it then. I can’t predict the future nor my reaction to it.

Clearly, I am having a “clarity” day from my hormones. :) I am sure I’ll be a sopping wet blanket in hours time. :) It’s a rollercoaster. I’d like to get off since I hate them, but gotta’ buck up and make it through. For now, this is life. This is what’s going on. It’s exciting. Terrifying. Wonderful. Extraordinary. It’s hard to sometimes get the perspective you need when you worry so much about the outcome.

Ahh well, I have been most contemplative these days. So many contradictory thoughts whizzing around in my head it’s making me dizzy. One moment I feel a certain way…then poof it’s replaced by something else. I know it is the hormones and I’ll deal. I am sorry these posts aren’t more exciting. More whiney than I intend them to be. I guess in some ways writing helps me get all that junk out of my head and maybe leave me with some peace. With my first IVF, I was brimming with hope! BRIMMING! I actually thought it was it. I believed it was it. This one I tend to waffle more. My emotions are being tested more, but still. There is an ambivalence that is hard for me to shake. Getting the news of my last BFN just ripped me apart so when you have a negative experience it does paralyze you a bit. I am trying my best to free myself, but it’s hard.

However, enough! Onward and upwards! I have to focus on work. Keeping up with my meds. And just focus on taking each day as it comes. I pray. I hope that a week from today we hear something I have never heard before. “You’re pregnant!”

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My Big Ole' Fat Ass!

Posted by Me Tue, 28 Feb 2006 16:56:00 GMT

We are a go! Just got back from my u/s & blood test appointment this morning. It was nice and short. I was so nervous sitting there wondering what the “wand” would tell us. Dr. BT did his thing and didn’t say all that much while “wanding”. I got a little worried and completely got myself ready to hear the words “You’re not there. We’ll have to cancel!” Imagine my relief when he said all looks fine. I caught up. I am right on track! Sigh!!!!!

My lining measured at 8mm. Trilaminar. Opaque. He showed us the u/s screen and pointed out how it is starting to get white at the lining’s edge which means we are moving into the “fluffy” stage and is exactly where he wants to be when moving us off Lupron and into the Progesterone Oil injections! :) I guess the patches did the trick. Thank goodness! I guess all the side effects were worth it.

So, here we go. On to the next step. Stop Lupron today. Start the ghastly Progesterone Shots tomorrow at 7am. 2cc a day. Gulp! Bigger needle. Gulp! Gulp! Thick liquid shot into the hip muscle. Yikes! Triple Gulp! Slowly moving to reach for a brown paper bag in case I need to hyperventilate! ;)

I haven’t yet had to experience the joys of Progesterone Shots, but from what I hear they ain’t fun. They hurt like a bitch due to its thickness and in general can be most unpleasant. Since LOML is in charge or administering those, he asked Dr. BT to give him some pointers. Dr. BT said they are like any others just thicker. He showed us where to inject them on me. It seemed higher and right around bone. LOML tried to convince Dr. BT that his position seemed a little high but he was adamant that it wasn’t. Well, after I got dressed, one of the nurses came in and “marked” me with a pen since LOML really doesn’t trust himself to get it right. He really doesn’t want to paralyze me and send me to the ER since he hit THE nerve. So, Nurse S came in with pen in hand. I dropped my pants yet again cuz that’s what us infertiles do…we drop our pants in front of an audience so casually and effortlessly. Anyways, Nurse S drew her circle on my formidable ass and LOML told her that Dr. BT wanted it higher and she whispered “No, no. He is wrong. If you do it there, you will hit bone and send your wife screaming!” LOML was relieved to hear her assessment since he really didn’t trust Dr. BT. Nurse S said he hasn’t given the shot in a while. Phew! Glad she came in and told us! Those shots are going to be painful as it is so no need to give them even more power! Anyways, Nurse S & LOML spent quite some time…grabbing my fatty bits. Poking my backside. It’s so weird. You have your back turned and there are folks analyzing your bum. Nurse S kept pointing out to LOML “See here, [she grabs a good piece of fat on my hip], this fleshy part? That’s where you want to go!” Ahh, yes, what every woman wants at 7:30am in the morning—people examining her FATTY ASS! :) All dignity goes away when you are infertile! Oh well, it’s ok. If that fat ass of mine can minimize the pain from the shots, more power to it! Baby, got back and maybe it’s a good thing when going through fertility treatments.

After the booty groping session, I let my IVF Coordinator know I needed more Estrogen and LOML treated me to Starbucks. More opportunity to add more “junk” to my trunk! LOL

Now, I am home and ready for another fun-filled work day! It’s rainy and slightly cooler today. The skies are gray and the streets slick. It’s perfect weather to sit on a couch, book in hand, sipping hot cocoa. I got one out of 3, Peppermint Hot Chocolate, so I am ok. :)

So, thanks for all the well wishes! I so appreciate them. I am happy we are a go, but cautiously so. Staying true to the Infertile form, I am not exuberant. I hope we stay on course. I was worried about the lining…now I am worried about the next step. The big step. The transfer step. The progesterone worries me cuz beside the adversity I have for needles, prog really messes with me. It sends me to some deep depressions like I have never known before. It’s scary stuff. HOWEVER, I am grateful to be onto the next step. I wasn’t ready for this cycle to end. Not like this. I want a shot at this. A real shot. So, here we go. One more thing down—let’s see how this all plays out! Again, thank you. Thank you for all the vibes. Good thoughts! They worked and now my ass gets to see some action! Ooooh, that didn’t come out the way it sounded in my head. Oh well. You get the point! LOL

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Loopy on Lupron

Posted by Me Wed, 08 Feb 2006 00:43:00 GMT

Just wanted to submit a quick post letting folks know I am still alive. (Not sure how many of you “folks” are actually out there but a girl can pretend as if her ramblings aren’t just simply thrown into a great void but actually read and enjoyed!)

Anyways, as mentioned in my last post, we were able to freeze 7 expanded blasts. The other 3 they were observing didn’t make it so the final count remains at 7. It’s a good number though so I am happy. As Dr. BT said, freezing 7 blasts is good news.

So, now we wait until the transfer in early March. I have been taking my Progesterone Pills since last week. Today is my last day on those…at least for now. I started my Lupron Injections (10 units or 0.1cc) every morning. To be honest, the Lupron is making me a bit loopy. I have been experiencing more inconsistent sleep and yucky debilitating headaches. My memory is as crappy as ever and I experience occasional feelings of a sore throat. All apparently side effect of Lupron. Yay! I haven’t had the pleasure of getting the hot flashes yet but I am sure they will be forthcoming. Woooohooo! I can’t wait.

Ahh well, it’s all part of the deal. All part of what I signed up for. No pain. No gain, right? At least, that’s what I keep telling myself. Next Wednesday, I go in for my Baseline Ultrasound and Blood Test. The day after I start on Estrace (Estrogen Pills to help build my lining). Fun, fun, fun! :) I hope I won’t get too many side effects from that.

All the different meds really get to you. I mean I was just starting to feel better and now all this. It stinks but as said I cling to the thought that all this will be worth it in the end. :)

In other news, work has been busy which hasn’t helped. It’s good to have work, but it is hard to remain productive whilst fighting crazy side effects that generally make you want to curl up on a nice comfy bed with curtains drawn. Luckily, I do have the luxury and work from home and thus can steal a few moments here and there were I can close my eyes for a bit. I really can’t imagine how you go through IVF while working in an office. The amount of time you have to take off for Doctor’s Appointment in and of itself makes it super hard. I know if I was at my last job I could never do this. They would never let me take this much time off. It certainly helps that I can work from home and adjust my schedule accordingly.

All righty, I am taking the mini-moment where my head is not pounding and take a walk with LOML. I have been trying to get in some exercise before the transfer since I feel like all the fertility meds have transformed me into a blimp. I swear they should really market a line of pre-maternity clothes. You know clothes that are cute and fit us Infertiles who bloat up while undergoing treatment. I mean since I work from home I don’t need to worry about outfits too much. Thank Goodness for that!

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Sigh!

Posted by Me Thu, 29 Dec 2005 05:54:00 GMT

Sorry I haven’t posted in so long. I meant to post sooner but life suddenly decided to get insanely crazy. Where to begin!

I guess I’ll start by wishing everyone out there a very belated Merry Christmas! Mine was decidedly not fun and just got worse from there. The Friday before X-mas Eve I got me some Strep Throat. Of course, at the time, I didn’t realize I did. I just thought I was coming down with something. I went to sleep only to “awake” with the worst sore throat in the world. Every time I tried to swallow I wanted to kick something/someone around me. (No worries, no one got hurt! I only ended up making an ugly cringing face and semi-jerk with my foot at every swallow) Well, considering I was utterly miserable and was due at my in-laws for X-mas Eve, I asked LOML to take me to the Dr right when I got up. We live 5 mins from a brand-spanking new Hospital so we decided to forego wretched UMC Quick Room (which doesn’t open until 8am anyways) and went to the Hospital’s ER instead. We got there around 6am. No one was there and we were ushered in and out pretty quickly. The Dr on call was nice and agreed that I had got me some Strep so he gave me some prescriptions for Penicilin Antibiotics and some Tylenol w/ Codeine for the pain. For the rest of the day I was in and out of my Codeine-induced haze. I decided to keep this little Strep Gift to myself so no in-law visiting for today. LOML was sweet as always and took care of me but making sure that he was keeping a distance as well. No need to get him sick as well.

By X-mas Morning, I was feeling better. My in-laws called and made sure to tell us to stop by at my BIL’s if I felt up to it. They weren’t worried about catching it since I had already been on the antibiotics for 24 hours by then. So, with that in mind, I spruced myself up, took 3 more codeine pills, and off we went.

X-mas was fun. We had some yummy omelets and opened gifts. About 3 hours into the festivities though I was fading…and fading fast. I started to droop on their couch and hence we made a quick exit. We skidaddled home where I proceeded to make some calls to my family in FL and my best friend in LA. I managed to get a quick nap in and then LOML treated me to a lovely dinner at our favorite French Restaurant. Sure, beats the crap I have been downing before then!

Monday started off well enough…well as good as can be expected. I forgot to mention that I ended up getting my period on X-mas Eve as well. So, yay for that, but nay IVF #2 is definitely on the horizon now. No miracle conception for me in December! Boo! Anyways, considering I got my period, I had to call Dr. Bow Tie’s Office and let them know the good news. They quickly ushered me in and took some blood (oh, how I missed that! NOT!!!!) and was put on Birth Control Pills again. The IVF Coordinator also gave me my schedule for IVF. I officially start the whole fun ride 1/13/06 with a possible Retrieval Date of 1/29/06 (yep, that’s right! Super Bowl Sunday! Oh joy!). Anyways, here we go again. I was happy to note that now all the nurses wear giant name tags on the scrubs!!! Yay for that. Maybe they read my blog and decided to end the misery for me and let their names be known! :) Goody!

After all the fun at Dr. Bow Tie’s, I went on home only to find LOML busy deconstructing our bed with a guy from Furniture Medic. We have some adjustable beds (yes, we’re a young and hip couple! Don’t judge cuz we have some adjustable beds. We’re TV Junkies so this allows us to get into the best position to view our nice 55 inch TV in the bedroom!). In any case, a part wasn’t working on the thing so the guy was there to fix in. Only he couldn’t since bigger parts were failing. In any case, after he left, we made sure our 2 cats were still in the house. They weren’t. One was but the boy cat was no were to be found. He gets freaked easily so we thought he went into hiding. We looked in all the usual places but couldn’t find him. We started to freak thinking he may have slipped out while the guy got something out of his truck. To make matters worse, outside there was a rager of a windstorm going on. Since we couldn’t find him inside we opted to see if he did slip out. Some of our neighbors tried to help but the wind was just too strong. We were panicking. Thought we lost our baby! We went back inside not knowing what to do when out of nowhere he plopped down from the top of the kitchen cabinets. He was hiding behind a plant! Boy, were we relieved! Nothing is more important to an infertile than her furbabies! I am so glad this one had a happy ending!

Don’t you think the excitement ended after that though! After all the missing cat hoopla, LOML got really sick with a stomach bug and ended up most of the day hunched over the toilet! Poor guy! He eventually got better but for awhile there it was pretty miserable.

Tuesday! Oh the hope we had for Tuesday. No Strep, both cats in da house, and LOML no longer puking! I mean come on we figured we’d be in the clear! All holiday madness averted. Nope, not so fast. Tuesday morning I got the dreaded call. The call no one wants to get. I learned of my grandfather’s stroke that morning. It happened the night before. I didn’t get many details just where he was etc. He’s 82, a spry and very active fellow for his age so this totally came out of the blue. LOML and I rushed to the hospital to see him. He seemed ok. Not great, but he was able to open his eyes and squeeze my hand. The nurse he had sucked. Bedside manners of an oaf, but whatever! In any case, we stayed there for a while and held his hand until other relatives came. I called my Mom to keep her updated. She unfortunately lives in FL and is in a complete frenzy. I tried to keep her calm to no avail. We went back there this morning and things have taken a turn for the worse. We met with the Neurologist (definitely no Dr. McDreamy, but hopefully still competent). He told us in so many words things didn’t look good. There is swelling in the brain. A little bit of bleeding and he’s has not seen the worse yet. The stroke was big. It took most of the left side of his brain. The language side. If he survives it, his life will not be the same. He’ll be bedridden, paralyzed on the right side, won’t be able to speak nor understand, and in general be less than he was before. It’s sombering. The next 96 hours are critical. He could die. His age doesn’t help. I had to call my Mom and give the news. The dreaded, dreaded news. I told her she needs to come out. She has no time off but was able to get emergency leave. Flying into Las Vegas so close to New Years is a pretty much impossible task, but she managed to pull some strings (she works for an airline so that helped). LOML and I are picking her up in a few minutes.

I am glad my parents made it out, but I am not happy about the circumstances. I am exhausted. I am trying to stay strong for my Mom and yet can’t help to see mortality so close by. I am not super close to my grandfather but was becoming closer. My Mom is so heartbroken and I don’t know what to do. I think of what it would be like if this happened to either my Mom and Dad and I start to tear up. I am trying to stay positive, but at the same time we have to be realistic. I really hate that word.

I spent the rest of the day cleaning the house and getting ready for guests. Since all my Aunts & Uncles live in LA, they’ll be streaming in soon and with New Years’ taking over the town accomodations will be hard to come by. I tried to get more rooms set up in case they are needed. It’s all so surreal. I hate how 2005 is trying to go out with such a vengeance. I am exhausted. I am sad. I am…I don’t know. I hope everyone else’s holiday is better than ours. Sorry for the long post but I figured I needed to make for the long dirth! I hope my next one will be cheerier though I have a feeling it won’t. If you have some prayers to spare, please say some for my grandfather. He’s a fighter and we are not ready for him to leave us. Thank you in advance!

All righty, I have to get ready to pick up the parents! Goodnight!

PS I apologize for any grammatical or spelling errors in this post. I don’t have time to read it over and make corrections! I hope it is still readable though and you get the general jist!

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Escape from....ME

Posted by Me Fri, 02 Dec 2005 23:56:00 GMT

This whole post-failed-IVF thing is weird. Certainly throwing me for a loop. Some days I am fine. Some days I get somber. I haven’t cried since the official word came back in November, but I still am waiting to return to normal. However, I think there is no “normal”.

Once you get diagnosed with infertility, being “normal” goes out the window (along with spontaneous sex!) never to return. It’s weird. These past few weeks I have found myself spending a lot of time remembering my life BI (before infertility). I remember my carefree and most importantly hopeful days. I used phrases “when I have kids” instead of “if I ever get to have kids”. I miss those days. I miss the days of old where I had hope and belief that I was “normal”. I am not “normal”. My body isn’t “normal”.

Infertility has branded me and though I know it doesn’t define me I can’t get rid of it either. It taints everything. I can find moments in my day where I pretend I am not. Go about my day and focus on other things then the fact that my body is broken. It doesn’t last long. Something will jut me back into reality and it’s hard. People who aren’t infertile can’t understand what it means or why it is so all-encompassing. The idea of possibly never having your own child is so big and overwhelming. A fear so chilling it’s debilitating. It stops you dead in your tracks.

I want those BI days back. I want the days of not knowing back. The hope that having children was just within my grasp and didn’t involve invasive procedures, extreme amounts of blood letting, and a body that resembles more of a pincushion than anything else. I miss not caring what my body was doing. I would kill for not noticing and wondering about every twinge, twitch, or cramp my body gives off. People who don’t know what it’s like will tell you don’t think about it. It doesn’t work that way. I tried to fight it. However, how can you? I mean coupled with the fact that this is the single most important thing you wanted in your entire life only to find out that it isn’t going to be easy sucks.

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