Posted by Me
Fri, 02 Dec 2005 23:56:00 GMT
This whole post-failed-IVF thing is weird. Certainly throwing me for a loop. Some days I am fine. Some days I get somber. I haven’t cried since the official word came back in November, but I still am waiting to return to normal. However, I think there is no “normal”.
Once you get diagnosed with infertility, being “normal” goes out the window (along with spontaneous sex!) never to return. It’s weird. These past few weeks I have found myself spending a lot of time remembering my life BI (before infertility). I remember my carefree and most importantly hopeful days. I used phrases “when I have kids” instead of “if I ever get to have kids”. I miss those days. I miss the days of old where I had hope and belief that I was “normal”. I am not “normal”. My body isn’t “normal”.
Infertility has branded me and though I know it doesn’t define me I can’t get rid of it either. It taints everything. I can find moments in my day where I pretend I am not. Go about my day and focus on other things then the fact that my body is broken. It doesn’t last long. Something will jut me back into reality and it’s hard. People who aren’t infertile can’t understand what it means or why it is so all-encompassing. The idea of possibly never having your own child is so big and overwhelming. A fear so chilling it’s debilitating. It stops you dead in your tracks.
I want those BI days back. I want the days of not knowing back. The hope that having children was just within my grasp and didn’t involve invasive procedures, extreme amounts of blood letting, and a body that resembles more of a pincushion than anything else. I miss not caring what my body was doing. I would kill for not noticing and wondering about every twinge, twitch, or cramp my body gives off. People who don’t know what it’s like will tell you don’t think about it. It doesn’t work that way. I tried to fight it. However, how can you? I mean coupled with the fact that this is the single most important thing you wanted in your entire life only to find out that it isn’t going to be easy sucks.
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Posted in 'Tis The Season, Healthy Livin', Hello, my name is Infertile | no comments | no trackbacks
Posted by Me
Thu, 01 Dec 2005 22:59:00 GMT
Despite my “Seasonal Misgivings”, I have taken part in the usual Holiday Traditions aka X-MAS SHOPPING! Yes, I actually started my “gift accumulation” early this year. I hate the X-mas Rush that seems to pervade the malls and shopping centers. I mean the crowds make me nauseaus and I just don’t have the patience to stand in line and get that one item. All too often I will scrap my original idea and resort to the beauty that is called the Internet! Google is a magnificent thing!
I was feeling pretty good in November (well, despite the failed IVF cycle) since I had most everyone on my list taken care of. However, now that I find myself in December, I realized my list was amiss. I only included the
“Core” group on my list (parents, in-laws, nephew/nieces etc.), but didn’t account for all those ancillary friends and acquaintances for which a “little something” would be appropriate. And from there it is a slippery slope and you find yourself face-to-face with the EVER-EXPANDING X-MAS LIST (not to mention the ever-shrinking disposable income!).
As we speak, I spent my day working on some corporate gifts for our clients. We are a fledgeling company but made the executive decision to get a little something for our clients to show our appreciation and good will. We picked a nice box of chocolates. Nothing ostentatious. Nothing that screams “GIVE US YOUR BUSINESS! WE LOVE YOU!” (it’s more like a gentle nudge followed by a whisper ;)). The great thing is that the place we are ordering the chocolates from lets you add your logo image to the boxes and the card for no additional cost. It’s great. :) So, with that in my mind, I am trying to finish off the graphics and get the gifts ordered in time for the holiday season.
Every year I find myself in this position where I think I have the gift purchasing completed well ahead of schedule and then find myself remiss in my less than complete X-mas List. Yikes! I hate nothing more than being found empty-handed. It’s only December 1st, but I think I am getting to the end of my list…at least I hope. :)
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Posted by Me
Wed, 30 Nov 2005 23:05:00 GMT
With the holidays right around the corner, I have to admit I am feeling kind of like the Grinch this year. There are no X-mas decorations anywhere in the house (inside or out).
We bought a beautiful X-mas Tree last year and it is still sitting in its box in the garage. I have no idea when I’ll put it up. Part of the problem, I am just not in the holiday spirit. I really thought I’d be pregnant by this X-mas. I had this pathetic vision of myself glowing, patting my belly, with a grin from ear to ear since the IVF worked and I’d be with child this X-mas. No such luck. The only reason I am patting my belly these days is to be cognizant of the extra pounds I gained from all the Fertility Drugs. Lovely. Nothing says “Happy Holidays” like another pair of jeans that don’t fit anymore. Ulgh!
Honestly, I am just hoping to survive the holidays this year. I have no gung-ho-mistletoe-hanging-spirit in me this year. I am not pregnant. I am infertile and next year I’ll be starting it off with another intense IVF cycle. The thought makes me cringe. To top it off, I just found out an ex-coworker of mine is pregnant. She just got married last year. I am happy for her, but it makes me sad. Mad. I am SMAD! Why her? Not me? It was supposed to be me.
Wow, this entry it turning out to be a lot more negative than I originally intended it to be, but I guess you don’t always know where your words lead you? I am better than I was since the failed IVF attempt, but I guess still have occasional relapses. The impending holidays don’t make any of it easier. Actually, it is harder—all the family gatherings…all the happy children…all the questions about me and my infertility. I just want to crawl into a cave and come out when it is all over. That’s wrong, huh? I know it is. I have to buck up and face the music. It just sucks sometime how much of my life is ruled by infertility and now that my in-laws know about our plight I feel like it is all that I have become. I spent this Thanksgiving talking about my “issues”. I felt exhausted after the event. Sad in some ways. It’s exhausting talking about infertility and they are not the audience to which I can use my sarcastic humor. My MIL thanked me for sharing since this is clearly the biggest thing going on in my life. Yes, it is and God do I hate that it is. I don’t want this to be my “thing”. My hobby. My focus. It’s a horrible thing to be dealing with.
My LOML asked me what I wanted for X-mas and I told him nothing since I feel so incredibly guilty for the $15,000 IVF Cycle in Jan/Feb of next year. I am already costing us so much. I know it isn’t a present for me since honestly it’ll be a pain, but for me to have the ultimate gift it is one of my only shots. This December is just another month. I will sign and send my X-mas Cards, wishing once again so dearly that I could send one of those Photo Cards displaying my happy brood…but I am not there yet. I didn’t get to be that lucky.
I know holidays are supposed to be happy, but I am not sure how I can get into the spirit. I am a Grinch. Instead I am working on some stuff, avoiding anything holiday related, and listening to James Blunt’s tunes.
Pass me the Peppermint Mocha, please!
Posted in Musical Interludes, 'Tis The Season, Hello, my name is Infertile | 2 comments | no trackbacks
Posted by Me
Wed, 30 Nov 2005 03:06:00 GMT
Considering I am drug-free this month (no Birth Control Pills, no Femara, no Clomid, no Injectibles), I am sort of left to my own devices and hence my own body’s “anovulatory” state. Yes, the irony is not lost on me that my “body” is very much separate from “ME”. Let’s call her “Mildred”, shall we? Mildred is this entire other being with a mind of her own…because if we were one and the same wouldn’t she have gotten the clue by now that “WE” want to get pregnant and give birth to a healthy baby or two? I guess not. She’s got her own agenda which I am unfortunately not privy to it.
When I left Dr. BT’s office after my “What-went-wrong-with-the-IVF-cycle” consult, he told me to call them when I got my period. LOL What a concept! A period on my own! I haven’t had one of those since I don’t know when. I am pretty sure I will have to call the office and ask for a round of Provera to jumpstart a period. Fun, fun, fun!
However, since we are planning on trying just for fun (a concept foreign to anyone who finds themselves infertile), I decided to get some OPKs for the month to see if I do actually ovulate on my own by some miracle. I am curious to see if Mildred decides to play nice for once. I mean we are still doing it like rabbits, but I figure I haven’t had to pee on a stick in over a year and sort of miss the practice! ;) So, OPKs here I come.
Now, I have read on all the Trying To Conceive Message Boards as to when the optimal time for testing is but man, oh, man it is quite an art to decipher them. Again, why do people warn you so much back in the day to be careful when sleeping with someone in case you find yourself pregnant….because obviously it is NOT that easy. Goodness!
So, back to the stick it is. I started today and so far have not noticed a discernible difference between the “Surge Line” and the “Reference Line”. Admittedly, I have yet to see the “Surge Line” without squinting at the stick and holding it to the light just so. I mean you’d think the concept is pretty simple:
- Take stick out of package
- Take off cap
- With the tip facing downward, hold in urine stream for 5 seconds only
- With the tip still facing downward, replace cap and lay down flat on counter
- Wait 3 mins and see result
Sounds simple enough, right? Yeah, that’s what I thought too, but what they don’t tell you on the package is that you have to abstain from going to the bathroom for about 2-4 hours and test twice a day. Once in the early morning (not first morning urine, God forbid!) between the hours of 9am and 11am and then again in the early evening between the hours of 5pm and 7pm. Now, does that sound fun? I don’t think so. I mean this is part of the reason trying to conceive women are so nutty. Can anyone blame us? We are ruled by these little evil contraptions that make intelligent women yelp in agony. Talk about a sticky situation! Add to that the fact that women’s menstrual cycles all differ so the elusive “Ovulation Date” can occur anywhere from Day 14 to Day 22. It’s all a crapshoot. Don’t get me wrong I know some women have found these things extremely useful in achieving pregnancy but for an irregular and fertility-challenged girl like me, they have yet to prove to me they are worth the price.
So, who knows if and when I’ll ovulate this month. Regardless, LOML and I will just have some fun in the bedroom and maybe get lucky. You never know—Mildred may throw us a bone and decide to get with the plan! Weirder things have happened. ;)
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Posted by Me
Tue, 29 Nov 2005 16:54:00 GMT
Meet Me.
I am 29 years old and I have Fertility Issues, or rather Infertility Issues. Lovely.
I have been happily married to the LOML (“Love of my Life”) for nearly 2 years now. We’ve been trying to grow our family for about as long without success. About a year or so ago (after a very unsuccessful year of trying on our own and plenty of pathetically negative Pregnancy Tests filling up the World’s Landfills!), we’ve finally bit the bullet and sought more help in the area of getting “knocked up”. Enter Fertility Guru, Dr. Bow Tie, given the moniker for the plain and simple reason that he always wears a snappy bow tie which I, for some inexplicable reason, find endearing. Under Dr. BT, we have undergone 1 IUI w/ Femara cycle and 1 IVF cycle (prior to seeing him my OB/GYN put me on Clomid for 3 rounds) – all without success, not even any near misses. ULGH!
We are currently taking the month of December off and are planning to do another IVF cycle at the end of January. Let me rephrase that, when I say we are taking the month off, that’s not the whole truth. We’re going to give it the good ole college try, also known as “going at it like rabbits”! :) We figure after doing it the no sex route for the past few months, we deserve a little fun boiking! Heeeheee
I don’t actually have any realistic hope attached to this month since I am about as irregular as they come. I don’t ovulate. Regularly. At all. Or Partially. Whatever format it comes in I have experienced it. Dr. BT calls it “Anovulatory”. I have had irregular periods since I was 17 years old and was even put on Birth Control Pills for those reasons. It’s frustrating to say the least but I guess that’s what keeps life interesting (Insert sarcastic smirk here!)
Being Infertile sucks. There are no if’s or but’s about it. It’s painful, intense, and yet a journey so hard to walk away from that you have to see the humor in it to make it through ‘cuz as everyone will tell you the end result is worth it—just check out the lovely ladies under my LINKS section. Someday I hope to find myself writing of this time in my life like they do while looking adoringly at my apple sauced stained offspring’s face(s).
In the meantime, I hope you hang out and see how we fare during the treacherous waters of Infertility, IVF, and the road to parenthood. Thanks for stopping by!
Posted in Hello, my name is Infertile | 2 comments | no trackbacks
