Trying Conception

Still Alive

Me — Thu, 07 Jun 2007 21:13:00 -0700

So sorry I haven’t posted sooner. Life has been a bit hectic these past few months. Here is a quick rundown of the going- on’s:

LOML

The list could go on and on, but I figure you get the jist. Yes, the last few months have been a bit hectic. The move in and of itself was a major stressor. The fact that it will have to be repeated in a few months again is already giving me a headache but oh well we’ll deal.

The thrush I think is gone but man-o-man was that a pain – literally and figuratively. This Breastfeeding thing has just not been an easy road for me. I am determined to stick with it, but boy it’s been tough!

Overally though Jack is great. As cute as can be. Wish he’d sleep better or more but the fact that he is smiling a lot, likes to play with his hair, grab at more things, is learning to sit up by himself, babbles constantly – makes it all ok. He’s our little guy who is growing like a weed. He is still as alert as can be which can make feeding still a challenge since he’ll get so distracted. He’s taking everything in and loves to jump in his jumperoo. He’s become the master bouncer. We recently introduced him to the exersaucer and he’s getting the hang of it. I think though he gets frustrated since he can’t get a hold of the things he wants quite yet.

So, life is chugging along. Busy but good. I am sorry I have been so MIA. That has not been my intention – just with everything going on it is sometimes hard to find a few moments available to post. Jack likes a lot of attention so blog posting ends up being pushed to the back burner. I’ll try to be better about it and steal a few moments here and there.

Here is a link to Jack’s latest and greatest! Enjoy! http://www.flickr.com/photos/mjg2/sets/72157600279678380/

Hope everyone is doing well!

Having a Moment...

Me — Mon, 23 Apr 2007 19:49:20 -0700

...Where I catch myself and think “Wow, I am a Mom!” I find myself being caught off-guard at times when the realization hits that I am actually here. A Mom. The baby I am holding is my baby. My son and I get all teary and my heart swells up a million gazillion times.

Even if I am sleep-deprived and exhausted, I catch myself looking at him nodding off in my arms and realizing that I am finally here. After all the pain, the needles, the constant disappointment, I am here. I get to be the Mom. The one who gets excited when he finally poops (after days of nothing but stinky farts! LOL). The one who cheers when he manages a 30 min nap in his crib WITHOUT crying and then a 4 hour consecutive window at night. The one people hand him over to when he gets fussy and say “He wants his Mommy” and you realize they are right ‘cuz he settles down right away. The one who melts every time he flashes you a killer smile when your eyes meet.

I have dreamt of these moments for as long as I can remember and for a while there I didn’t think it would ever happen – resigning myself to potentially never being a Mom. I know at times the hormones and sleep-deprivation get the better of me, but not for a single moment am I not grateful to be where I am. It’s tough at times I won’t deny it and I have so many self-doubts about my abilities in this new role. However, ultimately it comes down to the fact that I have the family I always wanted and I consider myself so incredibly lucky. I still can’t believe that this year finally I can celebrate Mother’s Day as a Mom and not dread the day due to another failed IVF Cycle where hopes where slashed once again.

Anyways – I am rambling. :) I just still can’t believe it sometimes that I am actually a Mom.

Hope everyone had a lovely weekend and a good start of the week. My weekend was plagued with boob issues (on-going), irregular naps (still happening), short day feeds due to distraction (too much to see to actually stop and eat!) and loads of night waking (yep, still got those). Yet, on the same note, lots of giggles, coos, smiles, and cuddles. So, all in all a pretty great weekend! :)

Bum Boob, Part II

Me — Fri, 20 Apr 2007 20:12:00 -0700

Okay, so the issue in my last post seemed to have resolved itself without me having an infection. Phew! Thanks goodness! Eventually, the ducts got cleared and the soreness went away.

However, my boob issues are far from gone! Now, the same boob seems to have developed a milk blister. At least that’s what I think it is. It has this raised little area that is a little white – moreso if press on it. At some point, I could squeeze what looked like dried up milk out of it (it looked like a string of toothpaste). I would liken it to a white head/pimple and the pain it exuded is just as annoying.

It’s a pain – literally and figuratively. I swear I am about ready to lob this boob off and sell it for scraps. I mean can’t I get a break here? I seriously in a previous life I must have angered the boob gods and hence am suffering through the punishment now.

I don’t know. I hope this thing resolves itself. I hope it’s not thrush because of course when I research anything boob/breastfeeding-related they always warn you that you could have thrush. I have examined Jack’s mouth though and don’t see anything that could be that nor do my nipples look any different. However, as with anything, who knows? I am so tired of having boob/breastfeeding issues. This is supposed to get easier. Yeah, right! Sigh – oh well – I’ll just have to deal and make the best of it. Hopefully, whatever I have on the boob will eventually get resolved without getting worse. I sure hope so since I don’t want to end my breastfeeding experience. As much of a pain it is, I know it is good for Jack and I really want to be able to do for a year. It’s tough though!

In other news, my boy doesn’t nap well if at all. It’s an issue. We’re working on it, but it’s tough. In the meantime, until we find some kind of solution, we got ourselves one cranky little guy here. We’re talking crying fits that remind us of the good old days! ;)

Ahh – I am one bleary-eyed-boob-focused Mommy over here. However, to show that it isn’t all bad, Jack’s smile is as sweet as ever and that ultimately helps me keep my sanity. :)

All righty, he’s down for the count – who knows for how long so I better skiddadle and take my VERY HOT shower to help with the freakin’ whatcha-wanna-call-it on my boob! Bum Boob indeed!

Good Night everyone!

Bum Boob

Me — Mon, 09 Apr 2007 16:41:24 -0700

I have a bum boob. It’s hurting. I think it is a plugged duct since Jack hasn’t been eating as much during the day or for very long at night. I pumped the other day but ever since then it’s been hurting. I don’t think it is mastitis. I don’t have a temperature or feel flu-like. Of course I am paranoid that it is though I think at this point I am just psyching myself out.

I have had plugged ducts before. They are annoying as hell. I have been nursing Jack on it in hopes of relieving some of the pressure but no such luck thus far. I will keep an eye on it and see if it gets worse.

Sigh, I feel like I am going through a regression. Jack decided to celebrate his 3 month b-day with a night of waking every 1 to 2 hours and now a bum boob! I am tired and slightly in pain. The boob isn’t hurting more than I have felt in the past but still.

Ulgh, I hope things improve soon and I don’t have or get an infection!

Ok, off to feed the little boy and hopefully get some relief!

3 Months!

Me — Sat, 07 Apr 2007 08:32:00 -0700

My little guy is 3 months old today! I can’t believe it. Where has the time gone? :)

I’d like to say that he turned 3 months old and everything magically improved – not quite. He’s better but he’s still got some pooping/gas issues and isn’t quite sleeping through the night. He sleeps in his crib but wakes up every 1 to 2 hours still towards the later hours in the night but at least he feeds for shorter times and manages to go back to sleep after each of them. A lot of the time he wakes up is due to his pooping/gas issue. Hopefully, eventually he’ll kick this pooping/gas issue and be more comfortable at night. Also, he doesn’t like to take consistent naps during the day. I try to put him in the crib and his eyes pop open and he cries. I hope that too improves with time – for now he cat naps throughout the day in his swing, car seat, or when we hold him. Not ideal but we’re working on it.

Other than that he’s absolutely amazing. He smiles, coos, gurgles, babbles all the time. He is so much more alert now and checks everything out. He seems to smile so much more when he sees Mommy or Daddy and it’s great. He is also discovering his hands and it is so funny to watch him get mesmerized by them throughout the day. He’s definitely the star in our lives. We are having so much fun getting know this little guy and watching him discover new things everyday.

I still can’t believe that I am actually a Mom. A Mom! A Mom to this adorable, sweet, alert little boy. I am so grateful for the chance and know that this is a gift – a miracle. He’s growing up so fast – I mean he’s still little – but has changed so much from when we first brought him home.

To see some of his latest pics, go here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/mjg2/sets/72157600050610219/

I personally thought LOML took some really great ones of him in his bunny outfit in the bouncy seat. Daddy can always get a smile out of him. The last ones that look more staged where taken at “Portrait Innovations” with his cousins. He did really well but eventually got tuckered out. We got some good ones though of him sitting in his Man Chair though. :)

Well, life is pretty amazing when you get to type up a post while your little boy hangs out on your lap keeping you company. Last year we went to Lake Las Vegas and watched a big Easter Egg Hunt Event take place. We didn’t know that it would take place – we just thought it’d be fun to go out there – it was sweet to see all the kids, but admittedly hard to watch since we were still very much in thick of our infertility journey. This Easter is pretty special. We are going over to my In-Laws for Easter and having lunch. I am sure it’ll be fun. How can it not be when you have this little guy smiling right back at you.

Happy Easter everyone!

What A Difference a Year Makes

Me — Wed, 28 Mar 2007 09:22:00 -0700

Today is our anniversary. Three years ago today LOML & I exchanged our vows. :) I can’t believe it’s already been 3 years! We’ve known each other for 9 years total. Dated for 3 years. Engaged for one and as said married for 3 years. This year however marks another thing – we’ve been parents for almost 3 months now. :) How exciting is that? I still can’t believe it.

Yesterday while I was holding little Jack after his evening feeding I remembered the day a year ago. Though our marriage was strong even then it was a tough day. We had found out a week or so earlier that our fetus stopped growing and Dr. BT told me to expect me to miscarry any day now. Of course, I started to bleed on our anniversary in the most vicious and painful way. I remember we went out to a nice Japanese Dinner and then off to see the Cirque de Soleil Show “Ka” at the MGM. The show was great – our seats right in the center. All was well until about the last half hour when the cramps started to get stronger and stronger. All I could think of was let this show end so I can get out of here. The pain was excruciating – both physically and emotionally. I remember feeling so sad and in some hopeless that my pregnancy was not to be after 5.5 weeks. We had been so thrilled to hear that we got pregnant (finally!) after our second IVF Try. However, it wasn’t meant to be. Our second anniversary was bittersweet. LOML & I tried to make the best of the day knowing that despite everything our commitment to each other was as strong and solid as ever even if infertility was challenging us more than we had ever imagined.

A year ago today was a tough day I won’t deny it. However, fast forward one and I can’t believe how things have changed. This year we are celebrating not just 3 years of marriage but also the presence of our son, Jack! A year ago I spent a sleepless night worried about the fact that we may never have a baby of our own. Bent over in pain while my body was expelling our fetus. This year I still spent the night awake but for very different reasons. This year I was awake to keep Jack company as he was battling some annoying gas – a much better reason to be up all night. :) I mean it sucks that the little guy wasn’t happy – but I am just so thrilled at the chance to have this moment.

It’s true what they say – one can’t really know that the future has in store for you. Things change constantly. A year ago I was so down and disillusioned and this year I have a whole other person to take care of. It’s amazing and I am so grateful. We are a family. LOML & I were a family before, but this year our family has grown. Our love and commitment has grown with Jack’s arrival and I feel so blessed. In celebration, LOML & I aren’t go off to some fancy dinner on our own like last year. This year we decided to go to our favorite Sushi Restaurant for Happy Hour with Jack. My MIL offered to baby-sit, but honestly we felt that Jack should be with us today. We spent the better half of our marriage trying to get pregnant so now that he is finally here I couldn’t imagine having him out with us to celebrate.

Bili Be Gone

Me — Sun, 11 Mar 2007 09:36:00 -0700

Jack turned 2 Months on Wednesday. Woohoo! :) He had his wellness check-up on Thursday and it turned out to be quite the traumatizing day for the little guy. First off, our ped was amazed at his growth. He came in weighing at 13lbs 6 oz and measuring 22 1/4 inches. She didn’t note what percentile that put him in, but he seems to be coming along well. He was so alert throughout the appointment – babbling, cooing, gurgling. It was so cute.

Overall, our ped thought he is thriving well. However, she is concerned that he is still a bit yellow. We know that from the last test his bili numbers were going down and aren’t in any range where they would be harmful to him. Yet the fact that he is still yellow to the eye worried her so she ordered a more comprehensive blood test to test his liver and make sure it’s ok. Naturally, that got me really worried. I don’t want anything to be wrong with my perfect angel. However, it is best to be safe than sorry so off we went to the lab. Well, not right away – Jack had to endure 4 vaccination shots in his thighs. Poor guy! He was so upset.

If that wasn’t enough, at the lab, they had to take a whole vial of blood to run the panel test. The lab guy tried to draw the blood from his arm but couldn’t do it so he sent us to a different lab where there’s a colleague of his who is very good at drawing blood from infants. So off we went! I felt so bad for Jack – he was screaming bloody murder when the guy tried to draw the blood – the fact that he had to endure it one more time at least – ullgh!!

Luckily, the lady at the other place was able to do it, though she had said he had pretty difficult veins. I guess Jack has LOML’s veins. Very tough to draw blood from! :( In any case, we went home after that. I fed him and we waited for our ped to call with the results, Jack slept a bit but then woke up in the afternoon and was soooo upset. We gave him some tylenol and I think that helped settle him a little. I hated seeing him so upset. My little chunky monkey was prodded, poked, pricked a lot that day! :(

Early evening our ped called to let us know the tests came back normal. His bili number was still at a 9 though showing sign of progress since it was down from 11 from the test he took 2 weeks prior. She is not sure why it is going so slowly. He poops as he should so we’re not sure why it is taking so long. Just to be sure she checked with a GI Doctor. He confirmed that the liver is functioning accordingly, However, he did note that the jaundice is taking longer than normal to diappear even for breastfed babies. His suggestion is to monitor it but let it run its course. The level isn’t harmful to him. It is just something to keep an eye out…so we’ll have another blood test in 2 weeks to make sure it continues to go down. I sure hope it does! I hate that he has to be stuck again. I don’t like seeing him in pain, but I also want to make sure he is healthy.

If you have some to spare, please send some “Bili Be Gone/Jaundice Disappear” vibes our way. We could sure use it. In the meantime, I will try to stop worrying so much and delight in my little ones magnificent smile!

Happy Sunday everyone!

Magical 3 Months Mark

Me — Tue, 06 Mar 2007 08:31:00 -0800

Thanks for the advice on my breastfeeding situation. Yes, I am definitely being careful about not pumping too much – as a matter of fact I am trying to stop pumping prior to feeding him altogether with the hope that my milk supply will adjust. It’s a bit tough right now since my boobs are just super engorged (we’re talking pornstar boobs here!) and Jack still has some trouble with the let-down. I have sought out www.kellymom.com for some good ole’ breastfeeding advice and their main thing is to let gravity be your friend (aka feed baby in an upright position or lean back so baby leans forward while feeding) and to burp baby very often.

I have to admit it’s been tough. Jack is still spitting up a lot and having trouble burping. I keep telling myself to be patient and hope that eventually we get the hang of this – in the meantime it’s all about the boobs in our house.

However, this line in the kellymom article caught my eye:

“Even if these measures do not completely solve the problem, many moms find that their abundant supply and fast let-down will subside, at least to some extent, by about 12 weeks (give or take a bit). At this point, hormonal changes occur that make milk supply more stable and more in line with the amount of milk that baby needs.”

Ahh, there it is that magical 12 Weeks (3 Month) Mark that everyone keeps raving about. Apparently, if you were to believe that Jack and I follow any “normal” processes – we are supposed to expect wonderful things once Jack turns 3 months. His sleep patterns are supposed to get into more of a rhythm. His digestive tract should be more mature. My milk is supposed to even out. I’ll have the body of Heidi Klum (post baby). (Ok, maybe not the last bit especially since I have a penchant for Krispe Kreme Doughnut which I am unwilling to give up in the near future!)

Hmm – color me skeptical but I just can’t see that it’ll work out that way. I mean I am sure things may change (at least I hope they will) but I just don’t see things “turning around”. I mean you’re talking to the girl who couldn’t for the life of her get pregnant the good ole’ fashion way. Normal IVF wasn’t even possible. I had to have a fresh IVF cycle follwed by a frozen one. Then, once I eventually did get pregnant I never had that moment at 12 Weeks where I woke up and felt great – no nausea. Nope. Nausea hung around for pretty much the whole pregnancy. So, with all that in my mind, can you blame a girl when she doesn’t quite believe in the magical 3 month mark?

I know every situation is different and if anything ours is certainly that. Nothing about Jack – his conception, gestation, or birth has been thus far and honestly right now I feel like I might be going backwards in my mothering abilities. I mean I thought we were doing ok on the breastfeeding front and then we discover the lovely “Hyperlactation/Overabundant Milk” issue. Ulgh!

It’s ok. Things are a bit tough right now. Jack is amazing – don’t get me wrong. He smiles all the time now. Coos. Gurgles. Squeals. Holds his head up a lot (still wobbly – but definitely showing promise). Super alert. Can stare at you and take you in. It’s incredible and I am so lucky to be a witness of it all. All my worries disappear when he gives me that look of complete adoration follwed by the most incredible smile. It melts my heart every time.

However, there is the other side of it too that is oh so challenging – he doesn’t sleep through the night. I am still waking up every 2 to 3 hours a night – sometimes more. I nurse what feels like constantly so that my nipples feel raw and abused. I am trying to get him on a schedule but haven’t been too successful at that. He doesn’t like sleeping in his crib. We try to put him in there with his “SnuggleNest” bed to help make it more cozy and he maybe lasts 15 mins in there before crying bloody murder. I don’t know – when does it get easier – yeah yeah I know – around 12 Weeks! Maybe! Possibly! Hopefully! ;)

I don’t know. Am I doing something wrong? It hurts me sometimes to see this little guy so gassy due to my insane let-down. I feel bad when I am patting him on the back for what feels like hours just to make sure he doesn’t get an awful air bubble in there.

I know it is supposed to get easier and I do want to believe that. I just can’t see it right now. I am trying not to compare myself to other mothers – you know the ones I am talking about – the ones that boast their babies are sleeping through the night with only one feeding at 3am in their cribs. The breastfeeding experts that have wonderfully calm and happy babies. I know everyone is different and that Jack and I will get the hang of things eventually. He’s still young and may take a little bit of time to adjust to things – like my boobs and his crib. It’s just tough sometimes not to feel like I am being a bad Mom. I love this guy to bits and just want to make sure he’s ok. Actually, more than ok.

Oh well – it’s time for him to nurse. I am doing the no-pump-nurse-upright-burp-often-nurse-on-only-one-boob-for-3-feedings thing with the hope that things will get better for everyone.

All right, I have written a novel that it is probably just incoherent babble. My apologies. Sleep-deprivation is still a staple in this house.

I pray that 12 Weeks will bring us some good things – however, as irony would have it – guess when Jack actually turns 12 Weeks? April 1st. Yes, my friends, that would be April Fool’s day – hmm – does that have some significance? We’ll see.

Ok – gotta’ whip out a boob to see if we can’t kick this “hyperlactation” to the curb. Thanks for listening! :)

Adventures in Breastfeeding

Me — Sun, 25 Feb 2007 14:26:01 -0800

Thursday and Friday of this week have been really fun over here…NOT! Little Jack has been having a tough time nursing. He used to be a champ but as of 3am on Thursday Morning that went out the window. He has been the most fussy baby at the breast – pulling off the breast with grunts and “Eh” sounds. Even crying at times. It has been most unfortunate. He would only feed for 2 mins at a time. I then take him and burp him which takes forever and even if I do succeed he’s still ultra-comfortable. Most of Thursday was spent in this haphazard eating manner. I thought by the evening he’d have settled down, but alas no such luck. I think LOML & I were up with him for most of the night – trying to nurse him (me), trying to burp him (LOML & me), trying to rock him to sleep (LOML) without much luck. Eventually around 4:30am we laid him down on the co-sleeper and he was able to drift off. He slept for about an hour or so and then I fed him again or at least tried to and had him sleep for another 2 hours. It’s been nuts to say the least.

At 9amon Friday, I called a local La Leche League Leader to ask for some advice. E. was very helpful and asked me a lot fo questions to see what might be going on. I think we determined that I have too much foremilk and a strong let-down. To alleviate some of this, I am supposed to pump both breasts (thank goodness for the Medela Double Pump-In-Style Electric Pump!) for a few minutes. Then, I nurse Jack on one breast while pumping the other for as long as he will nurse. I repeat this every 2 to 3 hours! By pumping first I reduce some of the foremilk which seems to give him some trouble. He often sucks so strong at first that he chokes once milk comes down hence swallowing more air and becoming uncomfortable. E. & I also think that this causes him to only get the foremilk and not the hind milk since he fills up on the watery stuff first. With that in mind, E. also suggested I only feed Jack on one breast for 3 feedings (all the while pumping the other). After 3 feedings I switch breasts.

We have done a few sessions thus far and it’s been going ok. I don’t pump as much though – adjusting here and there especially during the night time feedings. Right now, he seems to get hungry quite often like – this morning he was on an every hour kick so I tried not to pump too much to make sure there was stuff for him to drink.

It’s a work in progress. It certainly is a whole lot more work these days to feed the little one, but it’s important. I felt so bad on Thursday when he didn’t feed properly. We’re working on it. It was funny though when I first did the nursing him on one breast while pumping the other thing – he did eye the pump on the other boob so suspiciously – like “What are you doing on my boob?” And then for a while he was trying to keep up with the sucking rhythm as if he wouldn’t be outdone. It was funny to watch him check it out rather skeptically. Now, he is used to it and couldn’t care less. :)

So, we’ll see how it goes. I hope things get better on the feeding front and eventually we can transition him to sleep in the crib in his room. One thing at a time I guess. Right now, he doesn’t sleep for very long anyways. Last night I was up every 2 hours. If I lay him down in the crib for a nap during the day I am lucky if I can get 15 minutes out of him. He wakes up crying wondering where everybody is.

Other than feeling like a cow most of the day, things are all right. We went on our first errand outing today (Costco, Target & Whole Foods) and he did quite well. I chose to carry him in the Baby Bjorn since he really doesn’t like just chilling in the car seat. Hopefully that’ll change sometime. In any case, it was fun getting out of the house and getting stuff done. We got him some new clothes which I have to stick in the laundry.

Yesterday we went for a picture day with LOML’s family. It was fun and Jack was well behaved. He was alert and checking out the lights at the photo place. I think we got some good shoots with everyone. After that we had lunch at my in-laws. Jack slept through most of that after his most eventful morning. We got home napped and then chilled out for the rest of the evening while LOML headed out for his monthly poker game.

Overall, the weekend is going all right. Jack is still fussy – esp in the early evening/night. I hope this improves as he gets older. I guess only time will tell.

In any case, I have to start on some laundry and then it’ll be time for another feeding session. Lovely! :)

Update in Photos!

Me — Fri, 16 Feb 2007 14:47:00 -0800

I don’t have time to write a post so instead here are the latest pics of our little miracle. We have our good and bad days. Regardless though, things can never be that bad when you get to look at that little adorable face! :)

Wow, it still gets to me sometimes that I am his Mom. I am a Mom and I have the spit-up stained clothes to prove it – not to mention the bags under my eyes and the recently acquired skill to manage tasks with only one hand! ;)

Life is surely different these days and I wouldn’t have it any other way! Happy Friday everyone!

Milk Drunk! Jack after a Nursing Session!

Happy V-day! Our little Valentine!

Happy Jack! Gotta’ love those cheeks!